The Afternoon News

ADRIEN HUPIN

In lieu of our recent exploration of the words “news” with William Linus Younger, I am pleased to inform you of some “news” that is nothing short of terrific. Prepare yourself, dear reader, for The Afternoon News, Round 2. When you and I thought that real-world news couldn’t possibly get any more interesting, the magicians (this is the correct technical term) behind the scenes at The Afternoon News have accomplished the unaccomplishable: Round 2 will be even more interesting than Round 1. Expect yourself to be riveted to your seat, 100% enthralled. The team of highly trained individuals has been working around the clock to produce a truly stellar report.

In this next edition of The Afternoon News, I have received information from a reliable source that they will be covering high profile and controversial topics, including the Satanic Cult of the Waring Boys Chorus, live sports action from the Waring lacrosse fields, highly informative, fast-paced, and brief weather updates, a trip to the Bahamas to investigate a venomous lion-fish with Malcolm Stuart, skydiving and physics tutoring (simultaneously, of course) with Gabe Weedon, a particularly rare look at the wild “Jack Lindsay” with wilderness-adventurer Hans Goudey, origami with Henry Mitchell and Sara Kessler, moose wrestling with Brooklyn Stam, as well as potato farming and wallaby herding with Linus Younger.

While all of these fascinating topics are sure to leave you spellbound, I have also received word that a certain Stephen Colbert will be joining the Afternoon News team during this second semester. He will be arriving at Logan on March 5th and staying in one of the Waring apartments (so keep an eye out for him), and as of yet no information has been given on how he will be contributing to the newscast.

In order to watch the news you could always just click on the TV or log into your computer, but please, I implore you not to. Instead of wasting valuable time watching irrelevant and subpar newscasts, sit tight and stay tuned for The Afternoon News, Round 2: “High Quality News, Just For You.”

Artwork by Sergei Franson

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